May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, town historically known for ancient tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be great. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed through the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the best. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely from place. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable drinking water. But Indeed, positive, let's have A different spot exactly where American Adult males can have on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While earlier negotiations unsuccessful less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: supply Absolutely everyone a collection within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is soft electrical power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower in a very war zone. It is that he must stop using it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the project, replied, "You recognize, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head obvious from House, a attribute remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents along with the chin is… very well, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after locating the building's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not merely unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest component from the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where by attendees may perhaps ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Technique: "If You Bomb It, They Will Come"


The ad marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Forever."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "in which's the nearest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting interest from international buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll acquire a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with Trump Tower Damascus a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level may even contain:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel where my PTSD can have turn-down service."


Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to construct a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Thoughts in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You're welcome."

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